Tea Pot

I believe every person undergoes different stages and understanding of what life is. Physically we can see a dramatic changes from a baby into a grown up. When we were a baby, everyone around us treated us nicely, everyone served us. No responsibilities were asked from us. As we grew older, one by one, we need to take up the responsibilities. From a very basic simple thing, like putting the food into our mouth, until we have the ability to make a living and feed our own family. In brief, we change from a taker to a giver.
For those above things we can simply notice the changes. I remember I met a friend of my Mom. She said that she still remembered when I was a baby, she carried me before. Now, she said, I have grown to be a man and can have a baby of my own ^_^. She noticed the changes.
However, what about our soul? Is it easy to notice this change? Do we know easily how old inside a person is? It is not that easy. We see a person holds a high position in an MNC, draws a high salary, enough to feed his/her family but when we talk to him/her, we can feel that he/she is still a small kid inside.
After sometimes I realize one common trait in them. They are takers. They can talk in beautiful words, threaten others, cry, persuade, tell lies and do other things, but in the end the focus is about themselves. For babies, when they cry, they get something but for grown ups, things are getting more complicated and sometimes we cannot see clearly what is going on. For example, some go to do religious rituals (eg: churches or temples) but again in the end, the focus is themselves. Not the God, God becomes their slave. God should, or even sometimes must, give what they want. They cry telling God that they have sinned but is it really they regret about their sin or they just cry to release the tension inside and feel good because they believe God forgives them? Good feeling is not the same as goodness!!
Some go out and look for friends. They treat the friend nicely, give them everything, but when their friends miss out something or don't treat them back the same way, they get very angry. They say they are hurt, but how they define a friendship? Treat someone nice in order for the someone treats us nice? Is a friendship similar to a trade transaction?
So again, it is so complicated until we usually cannot see what the objective behind all of these people actions. However, again, one thing in common we can see is they don't give, they want to take.
If we touch our heart, honestly we know that a grown up is someone who can take responsibilities. He/she gives, he/she sacrifices, he/she is like an oasis in the middle of desert. When we were small, if we cried or we fell sick, our parents held us in their hand, hugged us, gave us medicine, they loved us. Our parents looked after us day and night, consistently took care of us. Their love was so abundant, they gave and gave. Same thing applies, a grown up is like a full tea pot. They can pour the tea to others without getting tired. They don't need others to pour the tea in order to make their tea pot full.
Does it mean that this kind of people don't need other people? Does it mean they are so full until they can live alone in this world? Technically, they can!
For these people, giving the tea to others is an option. They choose to interact with others, they choose to love. Life is in their hands, not in other people hands. When they fall in love, they give. They give without expecting something in return. They really love their partners. Love is not a trade transactions. Of course they feel sad when their loved ones betray or do something bad to them but they know this will not change their values, it will not change their core, it only hurts their feeling, the surface.
I believe a person will attract another person with the same level of maturity. In this case, when the 'full pot' persons meet, they will strengthen each other, they will bring out the best characters and potential of their partners.

Perfectus

We always want the best for ourselves. Best apartment, best mark in school, best job, best food, best partner, and finally we feel happy when someone wish you all the best. Contradict to this best concept, we know that nothing is perfect in this world. And as a human being, it is normal to make things better, perfect it. But still in the end, we always know that nothing is perfect.
Lots of time, we see a perfect man or woman. He is good looking, runs his own business, lovely wife and children, lots of friends. Nothing bad in this world seems can ruin him. All the angels are protecting him, the rainbow always follows where he goes.

I remember a story about a man asking God why his life is not like others. He compared his life with his boss and his peers, who he thought are in perfect condition. In the end, he didn't want those 'perfect' lives anymore because God revealed everything to him. The boss turned out to have a chronic heart disease, his friend turned out to be a wife abuser, etc. Yes, I have seen them too. I have seen the perfect men, women, and couples. In the end, they flaws too, many times very big flaws which others can't believe. Of course, I don't support a lot of things that they do e.g.: violent to their wives, take drugs, etc. But I don't blame them to have these flaws, to me still it is the law of nature... nothing is perfect. These things make them normal as a human being. One of my friend say it is a person defect, what the most important is the inside.

Too many times, I found people who struggle to have the perfect condition ,or even worse... to be seen as if they are perfect, they sacrifice other things which are more essential. In the end, they suffer day by day living in the life that they don't want to live in. The only amusement to them is only when others say or notice their "perfectness". And many times too, I found people who has human defects, they turned out to be nice person. They maybe a heavy smoker, drugs abuser or else but lots of times they can see things through, they are more wiser and they are true to me and themselves. Of course, there are defects which are related to the inside of someone. It is hard to believe someone who beats his wife but yet he is kind and true to others, unless his wife is a bastard too.

In previous blogs, I said normal is boring, perhaps now I can say perfect is boring too... no no no... I should say, pretend to be perfect is boring. It is even more boring then the normal :). So in the end, are there really perfect or close to perfect people? I believe there are and I will be grateful if I could meet one. Now what I have seen are the majority common people, which is ok because nothing is perfect, the important thing is what your inside is.

To Be Simple

Does a person entitle for a 2nd chance? What could have a person done until he doesn't deserve a second chance? This article could go like this... 'our Father has given His only Son to save us. No matter how big our sins are, He forgives... bla bla'. That is what we should do according to the highest standard of kindness, but can we? Or sometimes, do we want to?

When we watch a movie, we often scream in our heart, why don't you just tell her/him? You both know that you love each other, so please just let it go ok? Just tell the truth, just forgive her. Most of the time, to make the movie longer, the actor/actress didn't do that. But I think we often do the same things. Why it is so hard to be simple? What holds us back?

Every day, we try to be the best person we could be and many times this thing makes our life becomes more complicated than it should be. Life is complicated, I agree with this, but if the cause of the complication is because we fail to be simple, we will live a complicated and foolish life.
Our religion already offers a concept that to life is to suffer. So I think it is wise not to make this life harder.

A very good friend of mine once ever told me that she could not imagine how to hate a person for the rest of her life. Does she mean that we actually could change the question from "Does a person deserve a 2nd chance?" to "Do you want to give that person a second chance?"
Again... why is it so hard to be simple?

De Facto De Jure

Some people like to tell the world what they think or feel. Perhaps the most popular way nowadays is using instant messaging client or social networking website to do this. Most of these people ("all of these people", I think) want to look nice in front of others. Who doesn't? :) But this makes me wondering "are people so weak inside that they can't admit their own flaws?" or "is it only nature of human being that we want to be looked nice in front of the others?". This writing will not talk about why people like to share what they feel or why they want to be looked nice or what is nice what is not nice. This writing will talk more about, again, honesty. Honest to ourselves.

In my country, every one knows that Soeharto regime did a lot of corruptions. After he stepped down from the power, several investigations and trials were conducted. They tried to prove legally what the regime has done but always the lawyers, somehow, could make argument over another argument so in the end, nothing happened to this regime. The lawyers usually used the law system itself to defend their cases. They asked about evidences, witnesses, proofs, which of course no one could provide since the regime operated in such a way that they were correct in front of the law.

Ironic? Funny? Strange? That someone was flawless in front of the law but everyone knew the someone was not without flaws. Is there something wrong with the law? If we bring this thing closer into our daily life, actually we see similar things happen too.

Example, girl A and boy B, B likes A. He did everything a normal guy does to pursue her, accompanied her almost every day, tried to be there anytime she needed some one, asked her out, sometimes not for a date but perhaps did a simple activity that he hoped he could melt the girl's heart. He did everything to make her happy. What about the girl reactions? She did every move that showed that she was interested, thank you with smile, ok with the presence of the boy. She did everything that showed she was satisfied and happy with the boy's actions. As the days went by, the relationship stuck on the same place. The girl finally accepted another boy as her boyfriend and B was just devastated. I asked the girl why she did this? She said that she didn't know B liked her, she only did appropriate reactions because it would have been impolite to refuse his requests (going out, movies, dinner, etc). She kept emphasizing that she knew nothing or never she promised anything to B or it would been impolite or didn't feel right to refuse, etc.

Another example, girl X and boy Y likes each other. They went out several times, kept in touch every day. The girl spoke highly of Y. Out of sudden the girl also accepted another boy as her boy friend. Everybody was shocked and she just said nothing happened between me and Y, we were only very close friends. So by saying this, technically... again I say technically, she was correct in front of the 'law'. No promise had been given, no words had been said, but why Y was devastated. If you saw 'Friends' before, this line was Ross' favourite line about technicality ... "we were on a break!!!" :)

Some people can say that B and Y were stupid. Well, maybe they were, I am not discussing about their stupidity. I believe even these stupid people (normal, not retarded stupid), have heart to feel the right things. In fact, most of normal people know it when they are being cheated or being treated unfair. In above examples, I believe the girls knew it too but they were 'de facto' clean because they said that they didn't know, they didn't promise anything, or we were just friends, etc.

Two big schools in China said 人之性善 vs 人之性恶, human nature is good versus human nature is evil. Which one is true? Not relating this question to the legalist or Xunzi or any religious believes but I am sure most of people know how to differentiate between common good and common evil.
Yuupp, normal people which we know. They are not killers or robbers, they work 8 to 5 like most of us, share same interest like movie and music, they go to temple or church.
But yet... these people are the people who usually trap in this de facto or technicality "solution". Why do they do that? Human nature? Or they want to achieve the best? Peer pressure? Collective reality? Scared to lose mentality? Need to be needed? Popularity?

I don't really care about why because I believe we have the ability to choose our reactions. I am more interested in whether or not these people know the result of what they have done. In most of the cases, they know :) They usually do anything to cover up the bad part, they don't publish the real story, or even worse they make different stories.

I am not a good person myself. If Ikea sells a scale which can weigh my evilness, I am sure I will be overweight. But please help me and remind me, God... because I know that You know how to put the right price tags on all items in the world.

Normal Life III

Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

Constantine P. Cavafy (1911)

Normal Life II

Again it’s the normal life blog, this time is more on relationship also more on stories.

Before this, I wrote about honesty towards what you want and have courage to chase it. I think I am more Aristotlelian than Platonian’s ‘Virtue is Knowledge’ :P

Several cases show me a lot of people desperate to have a relationship. I am nothing against relationship or the desperate feeling. If this feeling because you really want to have some one to be with. It’s normal and it’s ok to be desperate, sometimes you need that. But several cases, this feeling comes from ‘the need to be normal’. They perhaps see the environment (friends, relatives, etc), they are under pressure from the family, try to gain status, racing with time. In the end they take anyone, re-phrase, just anyone in front of them to be with.

Well, here are several stories:

There was one time we were chatting and I think we were a little bit drunk on that day.
One guy asked me if I want to go out with a girl. He kept asking this thing for a few times, what do you think of the girl, you know that she suits you, she is not bad, age is not really a problem, why don’t you go for her, etc. But I kept quite, just smiling. About one week later, there was a rumor that he was picking between two girls and another week later, he said he likes this girl and started to go after her. The girl that he tried to match with me two weeks before.

There was one time we were going out for dinner. She was implying she wasn’t happy with her husband. I was surprised, I didn’t know that she was married. After sometimes, I asked her why did you marry him in the first place? She said she was afraid. Of what? She then said, afraid of the status.

There was one time I was somewhere far from my hometown when I heard the good news. My best friend was getting married! I called her and congratulated her, so we did chit chat a bit. Before I hung up, she said she was afraid. Again… of what? She then said, I don’t know. Again and again… of what? She finally said, I am afraid of the marriage. I asked her, have you both quarreled before? She said not yet. Then I asked how many month have you been together, she said less than one year. I talked to her that she can do it! Everything will be ok. One week after the wedding, there was a phone call. It was her, she was crying. The story became so complicated but in the end they got divorced... three months after the wedding.

There was one time I heard someone was crying. I kept quite that time but I kept hearing another cry over another cry. Another friend came to me, she said what happened. She said she had a fight with her boyfriend. The fight was very bad, not physically bad. Bad in the means of handling problems, respect his partner, selfishness. My friend even told the someone that she would have left him, if she were the someone. And it happened over and over again, same crying, same story, same ending, same solution. To me, those were not normal fights.

There was one time we had a dinner. He said he was getting married, he told me about his girl, how they met. Another day, another dinner, he said he was getting married, he told me about his girl how they met and how he loved her. Another day, another dinner... same repetition, same story. It sounded like he was trying to make himself believe that marrying to this girl was the best. He tried to convince himself that he has found the one. Today he has the status of a married man with a child.

There was one time she told me that she had an attraction for other man. I know that she had difficulties with her boyfriend. She kept telling herself, tried to convince herself that the current boyfriend was the best. I asked her why did she still keep her boyfriend? She said that she couldn’t imagine herself without a boyfriend and she was 26 next year so she had to rush. Now, she is married to another guy. But I think, deep down in her heart at that time, she knew that the boyfriend was not right for her. But yet, she kept him, for the status?

All of the stories above, when I asked them why, the scenarios may vary from A to Z but they turned to same aspect. I really can’t think of other reasons except … “I want to live a normal life” or “I am embarrassed because I am not like others”.

Does this have connection with ‘bitterness’ mentioned by Paulo Coelho? Again, I have nothing against the normal life. As I said before it has been proven to bring stability in life for years and to many people. It just… when I see those people above, again… I feel something is missing.

2008 New Year Wishes

A little bit different than years before, this year count down was made in a simple and quiet celebration. I know this year I need to pay respect and be grateful to what I have been through and getting in 2007.

I remember after a long dark period which ended by a terrible hardship, I returned. I also remember during the several first returns, I returned with a lot of tears. Not tears of bitterness of what had happened to me but more to the shame and regret. That was 2006…

The Chinese says ‘guang yin yi jian’ - time flies like an arrow. Looking back through 2007, many major blocks have been rebuilt again from the ruins. Job, shelter, a home church, family, friends and friends and more friends ^_^ and other things which I think come in the right moment, although some needs huge efforts to master them.

Looking forward to 2008 and 2009, there are several big plans ahead and still many things which need to be controlled and improved. I hope I have more courage and confidence, I know it is not an easy job to keep myself on track.

Well, with this very simple blog, I wish you a Happy New Year!!.

With good luck, forward!!

Normal Life

The term normal is to say something or someone is conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. Other dictionary says conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm. The word talks about standard.

When I read the Ecclesiastes said "All is meaningless", I ponder what I have been doing till this second. The sentence is not a new to me, in fact I wrote this statement on the first page of my Bachelor's thesis. Stories of life that I see from my friends are... they go to school, try to be the best of the best, go to good uni, graduate, find a good job, find a wife/husband, have kids, choose best school for the kids, and then the kids will go to school too, try to be the best of of the best too, go to good uni too, graduate, find a good job too... and all over again and all over again.

So they will stick to the ground and basic rule in finding job, finding school, finding mates, choosing place to live. Many of them let go of their dream job or even their dream girl/boy to stick to this, so called, commonly most acceptable basic society/family rules or code of conduct.

Sounds pretty sucks right? I don’t know about other countries but I think 80% of Indonesian Chinese call for this as a good and successful life. It is conforming to the standard of common type and social norm. So, good and successful life is a normal life. Well, is it? In general extreme these people, they are not good singers, not good swimmers, don't know how to smoke, etc. They don’t know how to do the “Ho Ryu Ken” in Street Fighter or don’t know who is Akira Toriyama or Naoko Takeuchi.. . Those examples above are very extreme to a certain extent but what I am trying to say is, it seems they are too busy with achieving the good/successful life until they are not fun anymore.

Some of them are even worse, they act like they are having fun, they thought they are having fun or they are fun. In the end, when they are challenged to do something different, they choose to go back to their good and successful life. What is wrong with living a normal life? Nothing’s wrong with that, really.. nothing’s wrong! They live by the examples and norms set by their parents and society. This normal life has been tested for hundreds of year and proven to bring stability in life. Again, nothing’s wrong!! I just feel something is missing but I am not sure what it is.

Ending my comment on normal life, it is nice to know someone who is honest. Someone who has a might to admit and follows his/her honesty. Hmmm.. maybe that’s why sometimes I feel sorry for people who betray their honesty and pretend to enjoy the, so called, normal life. They have big dreams but they are too afraid to chase them. I wonder whether they enjoy their live.